Feeling Alone

To follow-up my last post... we did make the attempt to rush South Pacific and only one ticket was available. My friend graciously let me take the one ticket and went to see another show. To sum it up quickly - Kelli O'Hara remains my favorite female performer on Broadway and Andrew Samonsky is an amazing Lt. Cable - I have a habit of liking Matthew Morrison's replacements more than him. The show is still great and everyone should make an effort to see it if you have not done so already.

I've been on a bit of a down-swing for the past few days. I'm not quite sure what the cause is however, it needs to stop because I feel like a tired-weepy mess. I didn't even want to go to the theater tonight and skipped out of our Wednesday night ritual- that is when you know things are beyond not going well for me. Generally the theater is my happy place- no matter what I'm stressed about or whatever I'm going through can be cured the moment I step inside. However, more recently, I leave the theater and once that joy from witnessing the show has passed I start to feel something else. I can't put a label on the feeling but it is a bit like... a sense of failure/disappointment in myself. I am passionate about the theater... every single aspect and I am beginning to beat myself up for not pursuing that passion (instead of my boring political science degree that is probably going to get me no where anyway).

Every inch of my being wants to completely turn my life around and put myself in the right direction. Switch into the acting program at Pace University, finish my literature minor, submit my work to play writing programs, audition for various theater programs across the city (Circle in the Square, etc), and get involved in the community theater at home this summer. Why haven't I put this plan into action yet? I don't know - and that is why I can't bring myself to do it. I have this voice in my head (sounds an awful lot like my mother actually) that keeps telling me if I were meant to do this I would have done it already. It really eats me up inside and I hate this constantly assaulting my brain.

I have been concerned about this for quite some time... however it is really starting to have an impact on my every day life because after a while of doubting what you're doing - you just shut down - or at least I do anyway. I feel helpless and I don't really know how to bring the subject up to friends and family without them laughing at me. I believe that is the source of my problem, actually. A lack of support - no one around to encourage me. I have a chip on my shoulder because I was never exposed to the arts as a kid, I understand the theater is expensive and that times were tough, but I refuse to believe that five repetitive trips to Disney World benefited me in any way - the theater definitely would have. If I had been exposed to it and realized this passion at an earlier age I can't help but think the idea of my involvement/pursuit would have been accepted gradually over time and possibly evolved into support or encouragement. It just frustrates me to talk about a new play I've written with my friends or tell my mother about an audition I want to do when the responses are always "...well that stuff is so competitive" thank you but I obviously know that. If I could get any positive reinforcement at all, it would be greatly appreciated. Both acting and writing involved intense criticism from every direction - I would love to have positive reinforcement from my own family. I am extremely confident in my abilities - forget that- I'm confident in every aspect of myself whether be my appearance or my creative ability. I know that if I go out into the big scary world - the sea of starving artists - that I have the skill to make something magical happen. I just wish that other people could see it as I see it, recognize it, and just to receive a pat on the back would make me relax a little bit. But I digress, things happen for a reason and eventually I'll find the right path - with or without the support.

Ah gawddd - I hate writing so much about myself and my problems. It is so much easier to write and complain about things than it is to shut up and conquer them. Excuse any grammar or spelling errors in this post as I'm about to pass out and take a nap or something.